My brainstorm started when I read how the government pays farmers not to plant corn because there's a glut on the market. By not planting corn (or wheat), they will create a shortage, the price will rise and the farmers can make a fair profit. Sounds like a good idea. Right?
I don't know beans about farming, but the less experience one has should be better. So I thought I'd go into the No Hogs business, which I'm fairly ignorant about, too. Having no knowledge should be a prime requisite for receiving a grant. I would start small by not raising a few hundred hogs and then increase by not raising a few thousand. I then could hire the handicapped and teach them not to drive a tractor to secure more federal benefits.
What a country!
This got me going. Why not stay in an industry I know something about?
With all the restrictions on existing drycleaning plants, all I would have to do is not open a drycleaning plant and let the government know what I was planning not to do!
If the government can reward farmers for not planting crops and sitting on the porch while overlooking the fields of nothing, imagine the money I could get for staying out of the drycleaning business!
Think about it. I would be a hero to all the environmentalists who would introduce me at Meanpeace rallies and say, "Here's a citizen who's not polluting the air nor the water and he has created no hazardous waste!"
How about the salaries I would save? Inspectors wouldn't be needed because there would be nothing to inspect.
How about the army of lawyers that the Stupidfund created? Wasn't that a fiasco? I believe out of the first $90 million, $7 million went for clean-up and $83 million for legal fees. Talk about saving money!
Yes, I would stop making any drycleaning units or pressing machines. Again, I would start out small and first cut out any import models. Then I would give our manufacturers a break and stop manufacturing all USA models. I could find out the rate of how much the government would pay for not manufacturing and simply go from there.
Of course, there would be some increase in unemployment benefits, but you can't chop wood without making a few splinters.
I'm sure the legal profession would find some worthless cause and target another industry to destroy. I can see where this could keep me busy for years! All I have to do is follow the lawyers and the do-gooders and un-threaten the spotted owl or any other threatened species by not doing something.
Better still, I would keep getting paid for not entering any environmentally-threatening business.
Can you see the frustration the politicians would have? There would be no worthy causes! No restraint of trade laws. No immigration problems. A politician could be elected on this platform. "I'm against free enterprise!" he would shout, and the cheers would be heard everywhere.
Of course, I would have to be careful and not be too successful, else I might kill the goose that laid the golden egg as other "do-nothingers" followed my lead.
As I said... What a country!
Date created: 2/28/96